LOSS.....such an ugly 4 letter word!

I know my past posts have been comical, and lighthearted, but unfortunately not all of our stories have a happy ending. I debated when I would tell this story to the world, but I have only recently learned that when something is on your mind or weighing heavy on your heart you should let it out. Holding things in often does more damage to your soul and your well being than just letting people hear your voice and your story. So, we are going to go back to 2010....I can't tell you what month because the moments were such a blur....Aaron and I had been married for 3 years and we were ready to take that next big step, starting a family. We couldn't wait to have sleepless nights, tired days, and a heart full of an indescribable love. Unfortunately,  that is all we did for the first two years was wait. Every month would pass us by with disappointment and frustration. Why couldn't I get pregnant? What was wrong with me? These questions flooded my mind every single day. As time passed and disappointment increased Aaron and I decided I needed to see a doctor to find out why things were not going as planned. Numerous vials of blood work and a horrific HSG test that went terribly wrong later, and it was determined that I was not producing enough hormones and I had a potential blockage in one of my fallopian tubes. Wheeew, these were all things that could be managed and fixed, I felt much better. After getting the results of all the testing, we decided to proceed with hormone therapy before jumping into surgery for the potential blockage. I would like to say that was an easy process, but hell no it wasn't! I am pretty sure my husband was married to an out of control, hormone zombie for a solid 6 months. The medicine took my moods on a rollercoaster ride every month, and after 6 unsuccessful cycles we decided it was time to bust out the big guns and head to the operating room. Three hours later my doctor had unwound my colon from around my left fallopian tube and removed scar tissue that had attached my uterus to my bladder due to a bad case of endometriosis. (I am telling you it was a mess in there) Recovery was not bad, and at my two week post op appointment my doctor gave me the encouraging news that I went from a 3% chance of getting pregnant each month to a 15% chance like every other healthy, normal woman. I was ecstatic and hopeful, but still hesitant to let my heart open up completely to the idea that things could work out and our dreams of being parents would finally be realized. Four more months passed us by with no results, and I was tired. Neither Aaron nor I could take the heartache of trying so hard and being let down every month, so we decided that we were done. No more trying, no more heartache, we were just going to enjoy our lives and start living them once again not consumed by ovulation tests and perfect timing. We spent that month just living and enjoying every second of it, not thinking about trying to conceive. Then...Mother's Day was upon us. This had become a bit of a hard day for me because I feared I would never be a mother. But, as usual I went through the motions and celebrated my mother and my mother-in-law with a smile on my face and a twinge in my heart, and the evil presence of Aunt Flo and her crampy minions right around the corner. The next day was like any other day; I came home, grabbed my laptop, and buried myself in homework. Not 10 minutes later my husband walked in the door, and threw a box of pregnancy tests at me, I looked at him like he had lost his mind. I knew my body very well by then, and I wasn't expected to start my cycle for two days so I asked him, “Why would I take a pregnancy test right now?” He explained to me that for the past week I had been acting like a crazy lunatic, my emotions were all over the place, and I just wasn't acting like myself.....he just had this gut feeling that I was pregnant. I continued to tell him he was crazy, but I grabbed a test and huffed and puffed the entire way to the bathroom. There was no way I was pregnant....we didn't even try.....we didn't take hormones....it just wasn't possible.....HOLY SHIT....I was pregnant. The minute I peed on that little stick it was positive. I was in shock; I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I walked into the family room with that little stick in my hand, and I just lost it.....we cried, laughed, jumped up and down, hugged, stopped ourselves from calling everyone we knew and shouting out the good news, and then I proceeded to take 9 more tests to make sure it was real. I have to say I have never felt happiness before like I felt that day; it will be a day that I will cherish forever. The next day I called my Dr. and he was overjoyed. He had me come in at the end of that week to do a blood test and an ultrasound to verify I was really pregnant. On that little screen, we saw the little pea, and it was clear.....I was pregnant! My due date was set for January 24^th, 2013. As the weeks passed by I experienced the first trimester exhaustion, a little bit of naseau, and this overwhelming sense of peace that I have never felt before. My 10 week appointment came and went, everything was looking great. I was seen again at 12 weeks and then again at 14 weeks for a first trimester screening to make sure everything was going as it should. Our little baby was growing and progressing perfectly, no complications whatsoever.....let me tell you that was a wonderful feeling. At week 16 Aaron and I decided to go have an ultrasound to determine the gender....we just couldn’t' wait. But, we had to wait a couple of days because we decided to have a gender reveal party and let Aaron's sister Abby reveal the gender to us. She put together a wonderful celebration for us. To reveal the gender she decorated a huge box and filled it with balloons (either pink or blue) that we opened in front of everyone. As we pulled the box open pink balloons came pouring out, floating to the sky, letting us know we would be welcoming a precious little girl into this world. The next 4 weeks went by with ease; I had decided I could be pregnant forever! I felt amazing, nothing had gone wrong, and it was just easy! Then it was here.....the big 20 week appointment. As I got ready to head to the doctor's office with Aaron and my mom, he asked me if I was nervous.  “Nervous? Why would I be nervous?”  Nothing could bring me off the cloud I had been on for the past 20 weeks. When we got there we had our ultrasound done which was amazing. We got to see her little face, her tiny little hands and feet, and we just watched in awe as she bounced around on the screen. The ultrasound tech finished and had us wait in a room to see the doctor, never giving any sign of distress. My doctor came into the room about ten minutes later and I just knew something was wrong. He had this look of panic on his face as he told us that our baby had too much fluid on her brain and that we would need to see a specialist immediately. I couldn't speak….I didn't know what to say. Finally, I broke down. My husband had this look of distress on his face and he drilled our doctor for answers. Could this be fixed? Is our baby going to be ok? Unfortunately, our doctor couldn't give us these answers. As I walked out of the room I looked at him and asked, "Is our baby sick?" and he answered, "At this moment, yes, she is very sick." I don't remember the drive home.....all I remember is coming home, curling up in a ball, and losing it. Through my tears and my cries, I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. Please let the doctor be wrong!! Please let our baby be ok!! I will do anything!! My husband, on the other hand, jumped into action, determined to take away my pain...our pain. He called specialists and pediatric neurosurgeons hoping to find answers. The next day we had an appointment with a specialist who deals with high risks pregnancies.......How did I get here? My pregnancy had been perfect......Why is this happeneing? As the doctor performed the ultrasound it was determined, our baby had severe hydrocephalus due to a bilateral blockage in her ventricles and had become worse overnight. The specialist let us know that things did not look good, our baby would most likely not make it through the pregnancy, and if she did her first 5 years of life would be spent in hospitals and operating rooms with very little chance of any quality of life. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. My husband and I just sat there in that room, holding each other and we cried until there were no more tears left to cry. Our hopes and dreams for this little miracle were ripped away with the blink of an eye.  For the next 4 weeks I became a prisoner to my home and my body, leaving only to go to more doctors’ appointments to determine why this had happened.....I sat in the same spot, in the same chair waiting to lose our first child. I can't explain to you how horrible that feeling is. Everyday her spastic movement in my belly became worse due to the amount of fluid pressing on her brain, at times kicking me over and over for 30 minutes straight. I refused to let my husband touch my tummy; I wanted to protect him from as much pain and heartache as I could. I even stopped touching my stomach......the pain, and heartache was just too much. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, and days felt like an eternity, and then on September 28th, 2013 after 4 hours of laboring, our daughter Nora Katherine Ellis became our guardian angel. We will never get to hold her, rock her to sleep, kiss her little cheeks, watch her take her first steps......as I was told by a friend to ease my pain, she was just to perfect for this Earth. The next couple of months were some of the toughest Aaron and I have faced together, falling apart and holding each other up, needing medication just to sleep and get through each day, and facing a life that was going to be different than the life we left behind such a short time ago. Luckily we are blessed with some of the most amazing friends and family, giving us more support than a person can ask for. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for everyone. We lost a lot of friends along the way as well. Some not knowing how to handle what WE were going through, so they ran in the other direction because easing the discomfort they felt was more important than supporting friends. I understand it is easier to not deal with things than to deal with them, but I felt like I was being punished for my tragedy. You definitely learn who truly cares in moments like these, and Aaron and my eyes were yanked wide open to this fact. As milestones past: the date of my shower, my due date, mother's day.....days got a little easier. Anger became sadness, sadness become acceptance, and acceptance became hope for a better tomorrow. My husband is the one person I have to thank for being where I am right now. He wouldn't let me fade away, and he helped me in the depths of winter find an endless summer. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. I wake up now with the hopes of becoming pregnant again and having the family we have always wanted. As I sit here writing this I can recognize the feeling that I am feeling is me.....of who I use to be before all of this. I am finally feeling like myself again, mentally, physically, emotionally, and I am heading forward. I can no longer look back towards that dark time; I have to head into the future with the hopes that everything will be ok. I would like to say that the sadness has subsided, but it has a way of creeping up and smacking you in the face. All it takes is someone saying something that draws up those memories, a post on Facebook, or the picture of someone's precious little miracle that gives me a lump in my throat. But, I will not let this destroy me or define me. I will not become a victim of our tragedy. New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings......time to take a deep breath, move forward, and make the next day better than the last. All I ask of anyone who reads this is please appreciate your children. Do not take them for granted. Squeeze them every chance you get, tell them you love them every time they cross your path, hold them when they are sick or scared, and thank god every day for getting the chance to be their mommy or daddy.  


New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings......time to take a deep breath, move forward, and make the next day better than the last.