I'll Take Curtain # 1 Bob.....

Oh my goodness.....it has been 8 months since I have written a new post.  Don't get me wrong my head swirls with thoughts from the minute my head comes off that pillow to the time I lay my blond little noggin down for the night, but to be honest I have become lazy with my thoughts......keeping them inside instead of screaming them from the rooftops as I was taught to do by my life experiences.    Today is different......today was a "lazy Sunday".  The ones who know me best know lazy days are my nemesis, my downfall, and a detriment to my well being.   I spent such a beautiful day in my chair... my cozy, comfy chair that has become my security blanket over the past few years.  When I am sick......my chair will make it better.....when I am sad.....my chair will be there to catch my tears......and when I am perfectly content, having a lazy day...my chair can sometimes bring on negative thoughts, taking me back to times in my life that I would much rather keep in that filing cabinet in the deepest part of my mind........you know the one with the drawer that takes all your might to pry open, dings and dents from being moved up and at times kicked down the staircases of life.   Well, lord have mercy that damn drawer is stuck open today and I've spent the good part of the afternoon refiling the mess that has spilled out of the drawer all over the gooey insides of my brain.  Looking at all of those memories, experiences, heartaches, and life choices....asking "how was I chosen for this little doozy I call my life?"   "why is life so unfair?"  "why them and not us?"  "why can't I be strong?"  See?? This is what happens!  Never leave me alone, in my chair....it never turns out good.  After a day of negative thoughts, I usually end up in my room, a rat's nest in the back of my head, an ache in my bones from not moving all day, and a longing to just lay in a hot bath and cry it out.  But this time was a little different.....As I talked to my husband about my pin balling thoughts of the day (which he comes to expect after a lazy day) I decided it was time to face these questions and answer them.....no more returning to that broken down filing cabinet, time to file them in a new shiny cabinet one finds when you choose curtain # 1.  "How was I chosen for this little doozy I call my life?"  Was I chosen or is my life this so called doozy because of choices I have made?  We are all products of our choices, good or bad, and we have to be prepared to face what's behind the curtain we choose.   Regardless of the heartaches I have faced or the times I felt like my life could not move forward, I would not be who I am today if not for the curtains in this game show we call life that I have chosen......and regardless of the days I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, I like who I am.  My life isn't defined by only my heartaches, but also the moments when I laugh until it hurts,  when I look at my husband and thank god for the blessing he gave me when that man walked into my life,  the moment my heart fills with joy when my nephew says "I love you EE" and hugs me so tight, and those moments I know will most certainly be around the corner to bring a smile to my face and make me forget the twinge in my gut.  I have to choose to get out of my chair and make the changes in my life I know will only make me better,  no more choosing to stay in my chair, stuck mucking through those old files trying to make sense of it all.  "Why is life so unfair?"  If life was fair we would be a world full of people with 1st place trophies we got just for participating , everyone would only hear what they want to hear, and everything would go our way.   I finally had to tell myself to stop asking that damn question because life is neither fair or unfair....it is life.   As much as it sucks sometimes, things are going to happen as they must.   "Why them and not us?"  Anyone who has wanted something so badly and to see others get it has asked themselves this question.....my question in specific refers to having a baby, a family that my husband and I have longed for, for so long.  But, the reason them and not us is simple....it is their time, and our time will come.  It hurts, it hurts bad sometimes, but how could I ever be upset at anyone who has been blessed with such an amazing gift.  Sadness and anger do not fix the situation....all it does is exasperate the pain.  I have been blessed to be a part of so many people's lives and experiences when it comes to bringing a precious little miracle into the world, and I am thankful every day for those who have let me in.  And I am blessed to have my guardian angel up there, watching over her crazy mom.  "Why can't I be strong?"  I use to pride myself on being the strong one....the one that held others up when they are falling, the one to hold things together when the whole world feels like it is falling apart.....but life's curve balls had taken that away.  I have never felt so weak as I have over the past few years,  at times watching from the outside as I fell apart.  One's strength is tested when you look in the mirror and the person looking back is only a shell of what you remember.  But, you know what ..... I am strong.  I am strong because I have survived my experiences, I am strong because I found the light when surrounded by dark, and I am strong because of the wonderful people in my life.   My parent's who taught me what it is to come from hell to once again find your heaven, and who have never let me cry without dropping everything to make sure they are there to catch that first tear,  my sister's who make me the luckiest person in the world because I get to call them mine......my cousin, best friend, encouraging word when I want to give up, the one I turn to when I need advice, and the one person who was never afraid to ask me how I was, Liz.....I love you and I thank god everyday for you.  Candice,  my soul sister, best friend, the one person who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and the one who puts me in my place when I let my emotions get the best of me.  I love you sister from another mister....to the moon and back!  Kylie and Dave, the one's who no matter the distance would be there at the drop of a hat even if I cried wolf.  My husband, god gave me you for a reason.  My strength when I had nothing left....my motivation, my life, my everything.  Everyday he encourages me to be the best person I can be every single day.  He has had so many of his own personal mountains to climb over the past few years, and his strength amazes me.  His success, his drive, and his passion for life when most would give up is my reason.  I love you one million.  There are others that give me strength by watching them conquer their own challenges, Maryann, Jessica, Marit.....you are pillars of strength that is a gift to all that know you.  So there it is, the questions that plague me on my lazy days, answered to the best of my ability.  I am not perfect, and I would be a fool to think that those thoughts will never come up again. But, for now I will take curtain # 1 Bob....the curtain that takes me down a path of moving forward, of reaching my goals, of making the best out of life.  Curtain # 2 will always be there, when I feel like giving up.....but, come to think of it......during all the times in my life when I was faced with this choice, curtain # 2 has never been an option.  That is life, that is the difference between fair and unfair, that is strength.  You know what, thank god for this lazy day.