I'll Take Curtain # 1 Bob.....

Oh my goodness.....it has been 8 months since I have written a new post.  Don't get me wrong my head swirls with thoughts from the minute my head comes off that pillow to the time I lay my blond little noggin down for the night, but to be honest I have become lazy with my thoughts......keeping them inside instead of screaming them from the rooftops as I was taught to do by my life experiences.    Today is different......today was a "lazy Sunday".  The ones who know me best know lazy days are my nemesis, my downfall, and a detriment to my well being.   I spent such a beautiful day in my chair... my cozy, comfy chair that has become my security blanket over the past few years.  When I am sick......my chair will make it better.....when I am sad.....my chair will be there to catch my tears......and when I am perfectly content, having a lazy day...my chair can sometimes bring on negative thoughts, taking me back to times in my life that I would much rather keep in that filing cabinet in the deepest part of my mind........you know the one with the drawer that takes all your might to pry open, dings and dents from being moved up and at times kicked down the staircases of life.   Well, lord have mercy that damn drawer is stuck open today and I've spent the good part of the afternoon refiling the mess that has spilled out of the drawer all over the gooey insides of my brain.  Looking at all of those memories, experiences, heartaches, and life choices....asking "how was I chosen for this little doozy I call my life?"   "why is life so unfair?"  "why them and not us?"  "why can't I be strong?"  See?? This is what happens!  Never leave me alone, in my chair....it never turns out good.  After a day of negative thoughts, I usually end up in my room, a rat's nest in the back of my head, an ache in my bones from not moving all day, and a longing to just lay in a hot bath and cry it out.  But this time was a little different.....As I talked to my husband about my pin balling thoughts of the day (which he comes to expect after a lazy day) I decided it was time to face these questions and answer them.....no more returning to that broken down filing cabinet, time to file them in a new shiny cabinet one finds when you choose curtain # 1.  "How was I chosen for this little doozy I call my life?"  Was I chosen or is my life this so called doozy because of choices I have made?  We are all products of our choices, good or bad, and we have to be prepared to face what's behind the curtain we choose.   Regardless of the heartaches I have faced or the times I felt like my life could not move forward, I would not be who I am today if not for the curtains in this game show we call life that I have chosen......and regardless of the days I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, I like who I am.  My life isn't defined by only my heartaches, but also the moments when I laugh until it hurts,  when I look at my husband and thank god for the blessing he gave me when that man walked into my life,  the moment my heart fills with joy when my nephew says "I love you EE" and hugs me so tight, and those moments I know will most certainly be around the corner to bring a smile to my face and make me forget the twinge in my gut.  I have to choose to get out of my chair and make the changes in my life I know will only make me better,  no more choosing to stay in my chair, stuck mucking through those old files trying to make sense of it all.  "Why is life so unfair?"  If life was fair we would be a world full of people with 1st place trophies we got just for participating , everyone would only hear what they want to hear, and everything would go our way.   I finally had to tell myself to stop asking that damn question because life is neither fair or unfair....it is life.   As much as it sucks sometimes, things are going to happen as they must.   "Why them and not us?"  Anyone who has wanted something so badly and to see others get it has asked themselves this question.....my question in specific refers to having a baby, a family that my husband and I have longed for, for so long.  But, the reason them and not us is simple....it is their time, and our time will come.  It hurts, it hurts bad sometimes, but how could I ever be upset at anyone who has been blessed with such an amazing gift.  Sadness and anger do not fix the situation....all it does is exasperate the pain.  I have been blessed to be a part of so many people's lives and experiences when it comes to bringing a precious little miracle into the world, and I am thankful every day for those who have let me in.  And I am blessed to have my guardian angel up there, watching over her crazy mom.  "Why can't I be strong?"  I use to pride myself on being the strong one....the one that held others up when they are falling, the one to hold things together when the whole world feels like it is falling apart.....but life's curve balls had taken that away.  I have never felt so weak as I have over the past few years,  at times watching from the outside as I fell apart.  One's strength is tested when you look in the mirror and the person looking back is only a shell of what you remember.  But, you know what ..... I am strong.  I am strong because I have survived my experiences, I am strong because I found the light when surrounded by dark, and I am strong because of the wonderful people in my life.   My parent's who taught me what it is to come from hell to once again find your heaven, and who have never let me cry without dropping everything to make sure they are there to catch that first tear,  my sister's who make me the luckiest person in the world because I get to call them mine......my cousin, best friend, encouraging word when I want to give up, the one I turn to when I need advice, and the one person who was never afraid to ask me how I was, Liz.....I love you and I thank god everyday for you.  Candice,  my soul sister, best friend, the one person who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and the one who puts me in my place when I let my emotions get the best of me.  I love you sister from another mister....to the moon and back!  Kylie and Dave, the one's who no matter the distance would be there at the drop of a hat even if I cried wolf.  My husband, god gave me you for a reason.  My strength when I had nothing left....my motivation, my life, my everything.  Everyday he encourages me to be the best person I can be every single day.  He has had so many of his own personal mountains to climb over the past few years, and his strength amazes me.  His success, his drive, and his passion for life when most would give up is my reason.  I love you one million.  There are others that give me strength by watching them conquer their own challenges, Maryann, Jessica, Marit.....you are pillars of strength that is a gift to all that know you.  So there it is, the questions that plague me on my lazy days, answered to the best of my ability.  I am not perfect, and I would be a fool to think that those thoughts will never come up again. But, for now I will take curtain # 1 Bob....the curtain that takes me down a path of moving forward, of reaching my goals, of making the best out of life.  Curtain # 2 will always be there, when I feel like giving up.....but, come to think of it......during all the times in my life when I was faced with this choice, curtain # 2 has never been an option.  That is life, that is the difference between fair and unfair, that is strength.  You know what, thank god for this lazy day.

Useless Anger.....

A bit of time has passed since I have posted to my blog, and a lot has taken place in that space of time.  Some good, mostly hard, and painful........filling my heart and mind with anger I can only describe as useless.  I decided this blog would be raw, and real......not wanting sympathy from others, but an understanding, so I will give nothing but the entire story.  Now, where to start.....maybe an overview of the past 6 months that has brought me to today.  As I stated in my past entry, the past couple of years have been the highest, hardest, and rockiest mountains my husband and I have ever had to face.  Losing our daughter, and then in June finding some peace with our loss and ready to move forward with the present, to find myself the next month with a condition of the heart and nervous system that riddled my body with constant adrenalin pumping through my veins, fainting spells, and panic attacks like I have never felt before.   Needless to say, I felt defeated.....I felt as though I was running down a dark hall towards a light that only became further to reach the faster I ran.  With my heart monitor hooked to my body, and the bit of courage I could muster up every day, I faced everyday with the hope that this would only be temporary and I would see myself in that mirror  again by the time the leaves started to change colors.  As fall approached, and my condition started to improve I felt hopeful.  I had made it through the forest, to unfortunately find myself at the edge of a cliff with nothing below me but jagged rocks and the ugly face of addiction.  While I dealt with the condition of my heart and nervous system I was taking a medication to make my hands not shake from the adrenalin, my heart to not pound so hard, and to keep my panic attacks at a point that allowed me to leave my house.  Unfortunately, when my mind was ready to stop taking that medication, my body was not.  It was now dependent on that medication, and quitting cold turkey ran the risk of seizures and other horrific side effects.  I tried so hard to wean myself off this drug that has saved my life and ruined it all in such a short period of time,  but the withdrawal my body went through was unbearable and horrifying.  I was lost....I didn't know what to do, all I wanted was for my body to be clean and healthy so we could try again to start a family.   So, I had so many demons burdening me everyday....."get off these meds now!"  "will I ever be blessed with the joy of being a mother?"  "I feel crazy"  "I want to go to sleep and not wake up" "I don't know how much more my body, soul, and mind can take."  Unfortunately, this medication that was prescribed by my doctor to help me, that I took because I had to,  landed me in the psychiatric unit at a hospital.  All of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me of everything I had.  As I laid in that hospital bed, begging the nurses and doctors to help me rid my body of this poison,  I cried wondering how I got to this point.  Unfortunately, there was not a place in Colorado that helped detox patients from the prescription drug that pumped through my veins like a horrible little virus.  With the guidance of the doctors and psychiatrists I found myself in an 8 week intensive outpatient treatment program.  Wow, what a journey that was.  I would like to say I was cured at the end of that 8 weeks, but I wasn't.  I had resigned from my job.....still dependent on my medication, but in a better place to attack the quest of tapering of these meds.  Every day is a challenge, but I am doing so much better than I was two months ago.  I wake up everyday and try......I may fall down at times, but I get back up and keep trying.  I love hearing my husband tell me that I am leaps and bounds better than I was such a short time ago, it gives me the courage to keep going......even though I feel like I am not as far along in my journey as I should be.  But, there is my problem, I am putting a timeline on my body.....screaming at my mind and my body "Get better and stop failing me when I need you to be at your best right now!"  As I sat on the floor in my bathroom crying tears for things I wanted so bad,  things I can't change, an addiction I didn't ask for, and chances I will never have......preparing for my daughters 1st birthday this month,  seeing her smile, waking up and not having to take a pill so my body isn't riddled with seizures, or looking in the mirror and seeing the woman I long to be again, I was temporarily blinded to the things around me.  My husband is facing a third spine surgery next week from a terrible mountain biking accident, but gets up everyday and works harder than any person I know to give me a life I could have never imagined I would have.  Never complaining about the pain that riddles his body, but going through each day with the motivation and passion that one only dreams of having, and drying my tears when I have fallen down.  My little sister who is going through trying times, but still gets up everyday,  works two jobs, and is a mother to an amazing little boy who stole my heart from day one. And the breast cancer patients I see and work with everyday that have been through hell and back walking in with a smile on their face and hope in their eyes.  These are the people when the tears are dried, that encourage me to let go of the useless anger and replace it with hope and determination to make things better.  I have faced many battles, and I have come out the other side stronger then I was before, so why should this battle be any different then the others.  No more being angry....It is time to hope, it is time to have faith, it is time to take my determination and turn it into action.  No more tears full of useless anger.......but eyes full of strength of happiness.    I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn.  I'm human, not perfect. I've been hurt, but I am still alive.  Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive.....to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love.  Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty.  I must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when I hurt, for I will never know what is waiting for me just around the bend.