A year has passed, and the heartache still creeps in and cripples me at times. I woke up this morning and was unsure how I would feel. This week has been painful and has brought about an awareness of what Aaron and I lost. I have heard the year mark is almost as painful as the day it happened. It definitely takes me back to that place of extreme heartache, suffocation, and complete emptiness. I can still see the pain and helplessness in my husband's eyes on that day.......longing to take it all on himself just so I didn't have to endure the emotional and physical pain any longer. 12 months, 365 days, 52 weeks have passed, and I have been holding on to the memory of her little kicks and the peacefulness and utter happiness of having her safe in my belly......and, as I woke up this morning those are the memories I have chosen to hold on to. Her little kicks, my overflowing heart, and my peaceful mind. The pain and trauma of her loss will always be tucked away back there, somewhere in the depths of my mind where heartache lives, and as anyone who has lost someone or has grieved the loss of someone knows....you cannot control when that monster hiding in the swampy, depths will surface. But, when it does I will embrace the twinge in my heart and the ache in my gut as mine. I lived that pain and those tears, and if at times those tears resurface I will not be ashamed. Over the year I have learned that pain stuffed is detrimental to your mind and body. When it hurts cry, and when it is too much to take on your own let someone carry some of that pain for you. But, at the end of the day guide that monster back to the depths and push forward. Life is still worth living, the sun is still shining, and you have to continue.....there is so much life left out there, and I can't live like I am dying. Today, as Aaron and I are surrounded by family and friends, I will remember our daughter.....her kicks, the unconditional love for someone I will never get to see on this earth, and the peace she brought me while she was here with us. Yes, there will most likely be tears shed, but at the end of the day I will smile, I will go on, because in reality she will always live on within our hearts.
My Dearest Nora,
It has been a year since we had to say goodbye to you. I am sorry it has taken me this long to talk to you, but your mom likes to put Band-Aids on her wounds, never allowing them to truly heal. Your daddy and I wish you were here with us every single day, and that we could have healed your wounds, but the doctor's said there was no hope......just know we fought so hard and did all we could. Overtime, I have found a bit of peace knowing you are not in pain, and never had to feel an ounce of suffering. We just wish you were here with us. I can only imagine there were loads of people up there waiting for you when you arrived. I bet they fight everyday over who gets to hold you and rock you to sleep, and I hope you are smothered in kisses all day long. I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what you would have looked like and how you would have most definitely lit up a room. Would you have daddies blue eyes and his sense of humor? Would you have mommies tiny feet and hands and her feistiness? What I wouldn't give to have been allowed the gift to watch you grow. Our hopes and dreams for you were more than anyone can imagine. This morning your mommy and daddy will be attending a walk in remembrance of you and all other babies who were taken to soon. We will be releasing a balloon for you, so watch for it, you will know which one it is because I am sure there will be quite a few floating around up there. Thankfully we will be surrounded by family and friends, so don't worry if mommy and daddy cry for you , it is only because we wish you were here. Nora Katherine Ellis, we love you with all of our heart, and you will never be forgotten. You will always be our first baby. Now, go play with your cousin Jacob, let Great Great Aunt Helen smother you in kisses, and you have four grandpas up there that I know are dying to snuggle you. Be our guardian angel beautiful baby, and we will see you one day. I will be checking in with you so listen for my voice. Love you to the depths of my soul.
Your Mom
