Useless Anger.....

A bit of time has passed since I have posted to my blog, and a lot has taken place in that space of time.  Some good, mostly hard, and painful........filling my heart and mind with anger I can only describe as useless.  I decided this blog would be raw, and real......not wanting sympathy from others, but an understanding, so I will give nothing but the entire story.  Now, where to start.....maybe an overview of the past 6 months that has brought me to today.  As I stated in my past entry, the past couple of years have been the highest, hardest, and rockiest mountains my husband and I have ever had to face.  Losing our daughter, and then in June finding some peace with our loss and ready to move forward with the present, to find myself the next month with a condition of the heart and nervous system that riddled my body with constant adrenalin pumping through my veins, fainting spells, and panic attacks like I have never felt before.   Needless to say, I felt defeated.....I felt as though I was running down a dark hall towards a light that only became further to reach the faster I ran.  With my heart monitor hooked to my body, and the bit of courage I could muster up every day, I faced everyday with the hope that this would only be temporary and I would see myself in that mirror  again by the time the leaves started to change colors.  As fall approached, and my condition started to improve I felt hopeful.  I had made it through the forest, to unfortunately find myself at the edge of a cliff with nothing below me but jagged rocks and the ugly face of addiction.  While I dealt with the condition of my heart and nervous system I was taking a medication to make my hands not shake from the adrenalin, my heart to not pound so hard, and to keep my panic attacks at a point that allowed me to leave my house.  Unfortunately, when my mind was ready to stop taking that medication, my body was not.  It was now dependent on that medication, and quitting cold turkey ran the risk of seizures and other horrific side effects.  I tried so hard to wean myself off this drug that has saved my life and ruined it all in such a short period of time,  but the withdrawal my body went through was unbearable and horrifying.  I was lost....I didn't know what to do, all I wanted was for my body to be clean and healthy so we could try again to start a family.   So, I had so many demons burdening me everyday....."get off these meds now!"  "will I ever be blessed with the joy of being a mother?"  "I feel crazy"  "I want to go to sleep and not wake up" "I don't know how much more my body, soul, and mind can take."  Unfortunately, this medication that was prescribed by my doctor to help me, that I took because I had to,  landed me in the psychiatric unit at a hospital.  All of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me of everything I had.  As I laid in that hospital bed, begging the nurses and doctors to help me rid my body of this poison,  I cried wondering how I got to this point.  Unfortunately, there was not a place in Colorado that helped detox patients from the prescription drug that pumped through my veins like a horrible little virus.  With the guidance of the doctors and psychiatrists I found myself in an 8 week intensive outpatient treatment program.  Wow, what a journey that was.  I would like to say I was cured at the end of that 8 weeks, but I wasn't.  I had resigned from my job.....still dependent on my medication, but in a better place to attack the quest of tapering of these meds.  Every day is a challenge, but I am doing so much better than I was two months ago.  I wake up everyday and try......I may fall down at times, but I get back up and keep trying.  I love hearing my husband tell me that I am leaps and bounds better than I was such a short time ago, it gives me the courage to keep going......even though I feel like I am not as far along in my journey as I should be.  But, there is my problem, I am putting a timeline on my body.....screaming at my mind and my body "Get better and stop failing me when I need you to be at your best right now!"  As I sat on the floor in my bathroom crying tears for things I wanted so bad,  things I can't change, an addiction I didn't ask for, and chances I will never have......preparing for my daughters 1st birthday this month,  seeing her smile, waking up and not having to take a pill so my body isn't riddled with seizures, or looking in the mirror and seeing the woman I long to be again, I was temporarily blinded to the things around me.  My husband is facing a third spine surgery next week from a terrible mountain biking accident, but gets up everyday and works harder than any person I know to give me a life I could have never imagined I would have.  Never complaining about the pain that riddles his body, but going through each day with the motivation and passion that one only dreams of having, and drying my tears when I have fallen down.  My little sister who is going through trying times, but still gets up everyday,  works two jobs, and is a mother to an amazing little boy who stole my heart from day one. And the breast cancer patients I see and work with everyday that have been through hell and back walking in with a smile on their face and hope in their eyes.  These are the people when the tears are dried, that encourage me to let go of the useless anger and replace it with hope and determination to make things better.  I have faced many battles, and I have come out the other side stronger then I was before, so why should this battle be any different then the others.  No more being angry....It is time to hope, it is time to have faith, it is time to take my determination and turn it into action.  No more tears full of useless anger.......but eyes full of strength of happiness.    I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn.  I'm human, not perfect. I've been hurt, but I am still alive.  Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive.....to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love.  Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty.  I must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when I hurt, for I will never know what is waiting for me just around the bend.